Bullies a look in the mirror

What is a Bully? Thug, Menace, or something else?



The subject of many a movie, and common in many people’s lives; bullies are most often see from the perspective of the tormented. Before we go in to what bullying looks like we need to take a close look at who they are. The object here is not to remove the personal responsibility of a person to act appropriately, but to help us understand who they are so we can be better prepared for how they act.

While researching this subject I ran in to a myriad of definitions, reasons and ideas of what a bully is. Giving a set definition for a bully is extremely difficult and is often biased because of the negative connotations of the word bully. What I found is that the word its self has more power than the actual person.

We will start with the most accepted definition and move from there.

Dan Olweus, Ph.D. is a psychologist who pioneered a systematic study of bullies and bullying in Great Britain in the 70’s. He defines a bully by 3 distinct traits;

1.bullying involves a pattern of repeated aggressive behavior

2.with negative intent directed from one child to another

3.where there is a power difference. [1]

This is the definition used by most school systems and “anti-bullying” programs.

However Izzy Kalman psychologist and author points out the lack of info in this definition and the inability of this definition to deal with the potential problems that are faced buy the bully and the victim.[2]

Here are some of the issues he points out:

1. It assumes a level playing field. This isn’t the case anywhere. From work places to schools there is a social hierarchy, whether we like it or not.

2. It promotes an environment where the “victim” has little or no part. The bully is the entire problem.

3. It is too broad. Everyone will fit this profile at some point in their life.

4. The term implies a bias that all Bullies are bad and the associated plans Demonize the bully rather than finding alternate behavior and teaching it.

While it would be easy to label bullies as Thugs and Menaces, the cold hard truth is that everyone at some point in their lives plays the role of “bully.” It is a common myth that bullies have low self-esteem and that they have “learned” the behaviors they use. While this is sometimes the case leading research has shown that many bullies have good self-esteem. In fact those same studies have shown that as many as 77% of children have engaged in, watched, or allowed bullying as part of their social group.

It is often assumed that bullies are boys and it involved physical aggression, this is also not the case anymore. Girls are just as likely to bully and they excel at verbal abuse more than boys do.

At its core bullying is when a person elevates themselves at the expense of others using verbally or physically abusive means. For many bullying is a way to achieve social status and to become popular. It is extremely hard to identify what a bully looks like because everyone has the potential to become a bully, or to encourage dominance behavior in others given the right set of circumstances.

What sets a bully apart from others is the willingness to engage in negative behavior in order to achieve a place within a given group. Bullies often won’t engage in said behaviors without an audience, because for them the behavior is about status.

In all of the sources I used one theme is reoccurring, a bully is often willing to change and use alternative behavior if someone is willing to see them for who they are and teach them a better way.

Often our idea of a bully is colored by our own victimization and we are unwilling to change. As Dr. Kalman points out it is quite ironic that some of the worst traits we attribute to bullies are actually traits of victims.

Excerpt from What's Wrong with the Psychology Underlying the Anti-Bully Movement

5 The bullying experts attribute victim traits and behavior to bullies.

a. Anti-bully experts say that bullies lack empathy. However, victims are at least as likely to lack empathy as their alleged bullies. Victims are the ones who never have empathy for the other side. They don’t understand how their bullies could be so mean to them, and they usually believe they are morally superior to their bullies.

b. The experts say bullies don’t feel remorse. However, it’s not bullies who don’t feel remorse, but victims. Researchers have discovered that most kids we label bullies actually do feel remorse when they discover that they truly hurt their victims. Often, when kids who were victims grow up and confront their bullies as adults, the “bullies” are horrified when they discover how miserable they made their victims feel. Victims are the ones who don’t feel remorse because they have no reason to feel remorse. They believe they are the good ones, the aggrieved party. They feel justified in wanting to hurt or kill their perceived bullies.

c. The experts call anger, hatred and revenge bullying. But these are emotions felt by victims. We get angry because we feel victimized by others; we don’t like the way they are treating us.

d. The experts call prejudice and genocide bullying. But prejudiced people feel like they are the victims of the groups they hate. White supremacists believe American society is harmed by Blacks and other dark-skinned ethnic groups. Homophobic people hate gays and lesbians because they believe they are destroying the moral fabric of society and encouraging others to become gay and lesbian. Hitler felt victimized by Jews, and when he grew up and took power, he convinced most Europeans that they are the victims of the Jews, too. And when people feel like victims, they are capable of the most horrendous acts and feel wonderful doing them.


While it is difficult to do so we must realize that the mythical “BULLY” isn’t real. He isn't a 6 foot tall 200 lb football player with a big muscle car and a pack of smokes. He isn't waiting just around every corner to jump out and "get you." Bullies are often times everyday people that take things too far. We must also realize our part in the problem and correct it before we will be able to stop the problems our kids face in the world we have created.

The fact of the matter is that the psychology behind why bullying occurs is as different as people are. There is one common factor in all incidents of bullying, the victim. As we move forward we will discuss what a victim is and isn’t. We will also discuss the appropriate time for intervention, and I can almost guarantee that it isn’t where you think it is.

I have now spent 2 weeks working on this and I feel as if I have done a fairly poor job of defining what a bully is. What I can tell you is what they are not.


1. They are not evil

2. They are not predisposed to aggression (anymore than the rest of us)

3. They are not defective

4. They are not a fight waiting to happen

5. They are not thugs trying to prove themselves

6. They are not necessarily neglected at home

Bullies are people like you and me. If you are curious what one might look like look in the mirror. We all have the tendacny to elavate ourselves at the expense of others.....

Check out the resources I used at the bottom of the page for more info, it is important as adults, parents and teacher that we truely examine the beliefs that we expound to others and expect others to live by. Don't take my word for it go and form your own opinion.

As we move forward we will look at a victim, and discuss behaviors and actions that can reduce and prevent you or your child from being the victim.

Next time:

What is a Victim?

1. Hara Estroff Marano, "Big Bad Bully" 08-01.1995, http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/big-bad-bully?page=2

2. Izzy Kalman, “bullies to buddies” 2008, http://www.bullies2buddies.com//

Down Time

Sorry the second article for Bulling is taking so long I ended up with a sick baby last week and then sick myself. I am working hard on the next post:

What is a Bully, the process has to start somewhere

I should have it out in the next day or so.

~TJ

Being Bullied…..

After hearing the sad story about the young lady who took her own life after constant and cruel bullying at school I have not been able to get the story out of my mind.

As a Martial Artist most people look at me and see someone who is beyond bullying. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “so you could really kick my butt!” I even have heard those comments from my Preacher! For the record, yes I probably could. But then again I was a Marine and even without the last 7 years of training and a Second Degree black belt I still could have done that.

What most people don’t know anymore is who I was before July 1998, when I enlisted. I was a smart, geeky kids, who was incredibly insecure (still am but you can’t see it). I didn’t really fit in anywhere. I wasn’t as smart as the really smart people, I wasn’t very good at any sports, I didn’t break the rules. I created my own world to survive and lived there for a long time. Only one friend has survived that time and both of us are way different people now.

Who I was then is what makes me want to help others.

The first thing I want to say is that old adages don’t always apply to today’s society. Has anyone ever told you, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” There is no statement more false than that. I have been in several fights, in high school, in the Corps, and as a Martial Artist. I have fought in the Gym, on Ships, in the street, in barracks, and in the Cage. I can’t recall with any clarity what it feels like to be punched a few weeks to a few months after a fight, I can however recall almost every bully I met, at what age I met them, and even though it has been more than 12 years since I have been in school I can still remember how it felt.

Through much of my young adult hood it was the desire to prove to others my worth and my desire to not be bullied that drove me. I wasn’t making my own decisions; my past was speaking for me.

Listen to this:

"There is another kind of violence, and that is violence by talking. It can leave you hurting more than a cut with a knife. It can leave you bruised inside" (National Association of Attorneys General 2000).

It wasn’t until after I got my green or blue belt that I realized that I was not longer living in fear of being bullied. What changed? What was Different? And what Role does martial arts play in preventing bulling?

There is a lot to unpack there, in the next few weeks we will deal with the causes of bullying, What kids can do, What parents can do, and the role of the Dojo in helping people deal with their fears. We will even take a side trip in to opinions and discussion on School policy and how we have to work within and sometimes without the system that is in place.



If you or someone you know has been bullied or has a question about being bullied feel free to contact me at ggamartialarts@gmail.com

Sensei TJ