What is a Bully? Thug, Menace, or something else?
The subject of many a movie, and common in many people’s lives; bullies are most often see from the perspective of the tormented. Before we go in to what bullying looks like we need to take a close look at who they are. The object here is not to remove the personal responsibility of a person to act appropriately, but to help us understand who they are so we can be better prepared for how they act.
While researching this subject I ran in to a myriad of definitions, reasons and ideas of what a bully is. Giving a set definition for a bully is extremely difficult and is often biased because of the negative connotations of the word bully. What I found is that the word its self has more power than the actual person.
We will start with the most accepted definition and move from there.
Dan Olweus, Ph.D. is a psychologist who pioneered a systematic study of bullies and bullying in Great Britain in the 70’s. He defines a bully by 3 distinct traits;
1.bullying involves a pattern of repeated aggressive behavior
2.with negative intent directed from one child to another
3.where there is a power difference. [1]
This is the definition used by most school systems and “anti-bullying” programs.
However Izzy Kalman psychologist and author points out the lack of info in this definition and the inability of this definition to deal with the potential problems that are faced buy the bully and the victim.[2]
Here are some of the issues he points out:
1. It assumes a level playing field. This isn’t the case anywhere. From work places to schools there is a social hierarchy, whether we like it or not.
2. It promotes an environment where the “victim” has little or no part. The bully is the entire problem.
3. It is too broad. Everyone will fit this profile at some point in their life.
4. The term implies a bias that all Bullies are bad and the associated plans Demonize the bully rather than finding alternate behavior and teaching it.
While it would be easy to label bullies as Thugs and Menaces, the cold hard truth is that everyone at some point in their lives plays the role of “bully.” It is a common myth that bullies have low self-esteem and that they have “learned” the behaviors they use. While this is sometimes the case leading research has shown that many bullies have good self-esteem. In fact those same studies have shown that as many as 77% of children have engaged in, watched, or allowed bullying as part of their social group.
It is often assumed that bullies are boys and it involved physical aggression, this is also not the case anymore. Girls are just as likely to bully and they excel at verbal abuse more than boys do.
At its core bullying is when a person elevates themselves at the expense of others using verbally or physically abusive means. For many bullying is a way to achieve social status and to become popular. It is extremely hard to identify what a bully looks like because everyone has the potential to become a bully, or to encourage dominance behavior in others given the right set of circumstances.
What sets a bully apart from others is the willingness to engage in negative behavior in order to achieve a place within a given group. Bullies often won’t engage in said behaviors without an audience, because for them the behavior is about status.
In all of the sources I used one theme is reoccurring, a bully is often willing to change and use alternative behavior if someone is willing to see them for who they are and teach them a better way.
Often our idea of a bully is colored by our own victimization and we are unwilling to change. As Dr. Kalman points out it is quite ironic that some of the worst traits we attribute to bullies are actually traits of victims.
Excerpt from What's Wrong with the Psychology Underlying the Anti-Bully Movement
5 The bullying experts attribute victim traits and behavior to bullies.
a. Anti-bully experts say that bullies lack empathy. However, victims are at least as likely to lack empathy as their alleged bullies. Victims are the ones who never have empathy for the other side. They don’t understand how their bullies could be so mean to them, and they usually believe they are morally superior to their bullies.
b. The experts say bullies don’t feel remorse. However, it’s not bullies who don’t feel remorse, but victims. Researchers have discovered that most kids we label bullies actually do feel remorse when they discover that they truly hurt their victims. Often, when kids who were victims grow up and confront their bullies as adults, the “bullies” are horrified when they discover how miserable they made their victims feel. Victims are the ones who don’t feel remorse because they have no reason to feel remorse. They believe they are the good ones, the aggrieved party. They feel justified in wanting to hurt or kill their perceived bullies.
c. The experts call anger, hatred and revenge bullying. But these are emotions felt by victims. We get angry because we feel victimized by others; we don’t like the way they are treating us.
d. The experts call prejudice and genocide bullying. But prejudiced people feel like they are the victims of the groups they hate. White supremacists believe American society is harmed by Blacks and other dark-skinned ethnic groups. Homophobic people hate gays and lesbians because they believe they are destroying the moral fabric of society and encouraging others to become gay and lesbian. Hitler felt victimized by Jews, and when he grew up and took power, he convinced most Europeans that they are the victims of the Jews, too. And when people feel like victims, they are capable of the most horrendous acts and feel wonderful doing them.
While it is difficult to do so we must realize that the mythical “BULLY” isn’t real. He isn't a 6 foot tall 200 lb football player with a big muscle car and a pack of smokes. He isn't waiting just around every corner to jump out and "get you." Bullies are often times everyday people that take things too far. We must also realize our part in the problem and correct it before we will be able to stop the problems our kids face in the world we have created.
The fact of the matter is that the psychology behind why bullying occurs is as different as people are. There is one common factor in all incidents of bullying, the victim. As we move forward we will discuss what a victim is and isn’t. We will also discuss the appropriate time for intervention, and I can almost guarantee that it isn’t where you think it is.
I have now spent 2 weeks working on this and I feel as if I have done a fairly poor job of defining what a bully is. What I can tell you is what they are not.
1. They are not evil
2. They are not predisposed to aggression (anymore than the rest of us)
3. They are not defective
4. They are not a fight waiting to happen
5. They are not thugs trying to prove themselves
6. They are not necessarily neglected at home
Bullies are people like you and me. If you are curious what one might look like look in the mirror. We all have the tendacny to elavate ourselves at the expense of others.....
Check out the resources I used at the bottom of the page for more info, it is important as adults, parents and teacher that we truely examine the beliefs that we expound to others and expect others to live by. Don't take my word for it go and form your own opinion.
As we move forward we will look at a victim, and discuss behaviors and actions that can reduce and prevent you or your child from being the victim.
Next time:
What is a Victim?
1. Hara Estroff Marano, "Big Bad Bully" 08-01.1995, http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/big-bad-bully?page=2
2. Izzy Kalman, “bullies to buddies” 2008, http://www.bullies2buddies.com//
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Down Time
Sorry the second article for Bulling is taking so long I ended up with a sick baby last week and then sick myself. I am working hard on the next post:
What is a Bully, the process has to start somewhere
I should have it out in the next day or so.
~TJ
What is a Bully, the process has to start somewhere
I should have it out in the next day or so.
~TJ
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Being Bullied…..
After hearing the sad story about the young lady who took her own life after constant and cruel bullying at school I have not been able to get the story out of my mind.
As a Martial Artist most people look at me and see someone who is beyond bullying. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “so you could really kick my butt!” I even have heard those comments from my Preacher! For the record, yes I probably could. But then again I was a Marine and even without the last 7 years of training and a Second Degree black belt I still could have done that.
What most people don’t know anymore is who I was before July 1998, when I enlisted. I was a smart, geeky kids, who was incredibly insecure (still am but you can’t see it). I didn’t really fit in anywhere. I wasn’t as smart as the really smart people, I wasn’t very good at any sports, I didn’t break the rules. I created my own world to survive and lived there for a long time. Only one friend has survived that time and both of us are way different people now.
Who I was then is what makes me want to help others.
The first thing I want to say is that old adages don’t always apply to today’s society. Has anyone ever told you, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” There is no statement more false than that. I have been in several fights, in high school, in the Corps, and as a Martial Artist. I have fought in the Gym, on Ships, in the street, in barracks, and in the Cage. I can’t recall with any clarity what it feels like to be punched a few weeks to a few months after a fight, I can however recall almost every bully I met, at what age I met them, and even though it has been more than 12 years since I have been in school I can still remember how it felt.
Through much of my young adult hood it was the desire to prove to others my worth and my desire to not be bullied that drove me. I wasn’t making my own decisions; my past was speaking for me.
Listen to this:
"There is another kind of violence, and that is violence by talking. It can leave you hurting more than a cut with a knife. It can leave you bruised inside" (National Association of Attorneys General 2000).
It wasn’t until after I got my green or blue belt that I realized that I was not longer living in fear of being bullied. What changed? What was Different? And what Role does martial arts play in preventing bulling?
There is a lot to unpack there, in the next few weeks we will deal with the causes of bullying, What kids can do, What parents can do, and the role of the Dojo in helping people deal with their fears. We will even take a side trip in to opinions and discussion on School policy and how we have to work within and sometimes without the system that is in place.
If you or someone you know has been bullied or has a question about being bullied feel free to contact me at ggamartialarts@gmail.com
Sensei TJ
As a Martial Artist most people look at me and see someone who is beyond bullying. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “so you could really kick my butt!” I even have heard those comments from my Preacher! For the record, yes I probably could. But then again I was a Marine and even without the last 7 years of training and a Second Degree black belt I still could have done that.
What most people don’t know anymore is who I was before July 1998, when I enlisted. I was a smart, geeky kids, who was incredibly insecure (still am but you can’t see it). I didn’t really fit in anywhere. I wasn’t as smart as the really smart people, I wasn’t very good at any sports, I didn’t break the rules. I created my own world to survive and lived there for a long time. Only one friend has survived that time and both of us are way different people now.
Who I was then is what makes me want to help others.
The first thing I want to say is that old adages don’t always apply to today’s society. Has anyone ever told you, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” There is no statement more false than that. I have been in several fights, in high school, in the Corps, and as a Martial Artist. I have fought in the Gym, on Ships, in the street, in barracks, and in the Cage. I can’t recall with any clarity what it feels like to be punched a few weeks to a few months after a fight, I can however recall almost every bully I met, at what age I met them, and even though it has been more than 12 years since I have been in school I can still remember how it felt.
Through much of my young adult hood it was the desire to prove to others my worth and my desire to not be bullied that drove me. I wasn’t making my own decisions; my past was speaking for me.
Listen to this:
"There is another kind of violence, and that is violence by talking. It can leave you hurting more than a cut with a knife. It can leave you bruised inside" (National Association of Attorneys General 2000).
It wasn’t until after I got my green or blue belt that I realized that I was not longer living in fear of being bullied. What changed? What was Different? And what Role does martial arts play in preventing bulling?
There is a lot to unpack there, in the next few weeks we will deal with the causes of bullying, What kids can do, What parents can do, and the role of the Dojo in helping people deal with their fears. We will even take a side trip in to opinions and discussion on School policy and how we have to work within and sometimes without the system that is in place.
If you or someone you know has been bullied or has a question about being bullied feel free to contact me at ggamartialarts@gmail.com
Sensei TJ
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Self-Defense or Assualt
Do you know the difference?
Did you know that in some states you have a "Duty to Retreat"? That means that in those cases BEFORE you use self defense you have to attempt to leave the situation. That is a big deal for a martial artist. After being trained to respond you are more than likely to respond instead of retreating.
Did you know that 15 states have an exemption to that Law? And that even in those states you are more than likely going to be arrested even if your "self-defense" was justified. remember that in our country Courts decide guilt and innocence, NOT COPS!
As a Martial Artist there is a lot more to consider than just "fighting back." In fact fighting back will most definitely get you landed in Jail, even if it was self-defense. As I have already stated the police are going to err on the side of arresting all combatants and letting Juries and Judges figure out the details.
So what do you do? Here are some things to consider.
Did you know that in some states you have a "Duty to Retreat"? That means that in those cases BEFORE you use self defense you have to attempt to leave the situation. That is a big deal for a martial artist. After being trained to respond you are more than likely to respond instead of retreating.
Did you know that 15 states have an exemption to that Law? And that even in those states you are more than likely going to be arrested even if your "self-defense" was justified. remember that in our country Courts decide guilt and innocence, NOT COPS!
As a Martial Artist there is a lot more to consider than just "fighting back." In fact fighting back will most definitely get you landed in Jail, even if it was self-defense. As I have already stated the police are going to err on the side of arresting all combatants and letting Juries and Judges figure out the details.
So what do you do? Here are some things to consider.
- Do you know the laws specific to your state
- in a real situation is it worth going to Jail
- How will you defend yourself in court
- will your System, Instructor, or Dojo support you in court
- will you be able to stop when you once you are in control
All of these are very important things to know BEFORE you are in a self-defense situation.
For today lets just start with a discussion on what Self-Defense is and isn't.
Self-Defense Justifying your actions as reasonable force used in your own defense, or the defense of others. Now that is pretty vague. it covers a lot of ground, such as what is reasonable? How do you define "in defense of others. It may be easier to define what it is not.
Self-Defense is not "Combatives" most combative systems are developed by the military or by para-military organizations. The rules of engagement in those situations are different. Let me paint a picture for you. During the LA riots the US Marines were providing support for the LA police force. A police officer tells the Marine Automatic Rifle Man "COVER ME" so the marine complied by spraying the side of a building with automatic fire from his M249 Squad Automatic Weapon, with a 200 round drum and cyclic rate of fire of 100 rounds a minute. Now I have no proof that this actually happened but it was a story passed around when I was in the Corps. And it shows you the difference from Military to Civilian Police force thinking. The Marine did what Marines do, cover with fire. In the Military it is acceptable to take life in order to achieve objectives, that is a fact of war.
Self-Defense is not about defending your pride. Name calling is not an acceptable reason to "defend yourself." That's fighting and in the courts is considered Assault. As long as there is no threat of Physical Violence, either literal or implied, you don't have a case for self-defense.
Self-Defense isn't about vengeance. If you are forced to defend yourself and you by use of training (or just pure instinct and aggression) gain control of the situation you are required by low to STOP your attack. Any force past what is necessary for defense is Assault. If you are attacked and gain the upper hand, and then the assailant stops his attack you must cease as well.
Depending on the situation may or may not be allowed to pursue an assailant depending on the circumstances. As long as you have a reasonable fear for yourself or others you may continue to try to control the situation or contain it, even to the point of holding your attacker until the police arrive. If however, and attacker tries to flee and you not only chase them down but then attack them then you have crossed the line from Defense to Assault.
As we have seen here there is a lot more to self-defense than just "fighting back" This is not intended to be legal advice, just a thought provoking exercise in what you should think about before you are ever involved in defending yourself. Does this mean you should defend yourself, absolutely not and even if I believed that the decision is always yours. It means that you need to be smart about when, where and why you would engage in a physical confrontation.
here are a couple of good sources for info, much of what I have said here started with Ideas gleaned from these pages if you visit them make sure you have time to ponder and an open mind!
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/self-defense.htm
http://www.alljujitsu.com/self-defense-law.html
~Sensei TJ
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Martial Arts, Obsession and Lent?
Have you ever trained for anything? anything at all? Football, softball, soccer, martial arts or any other sport? Have you ever studied something you love so much that you go to sleep seeing it on the back of your eyelids. Maybe it was a test, your favorite subject, your worst subject. Have you ever set a goal that meant so much to you that you were willing to sacrifice your personal time, your family time, your sleep, your diet (especially those sugary sweets.)
Most of us at one point in time have sacrificed to reach a goal. Most of us understand what it takes to excel, at one point in our lives we will desire something so badly that we will give up other parts of our life in order to accomplish that single goal.
As Sensei Kendall and I were preparing for our 2nd Dan test we talked about the relief we anticipated when the test was over... the relief that our family would feel now that our intense training was over.
You could say that I am obsessed with martial arts. 5-6 days I can be found at a Dojo. At my master instructor's, my professional one, or the one in my basement or someone else's. It consumes the way I act, think and work. It is my only hobby. I even go out of my way to watch others participate in combat arts. Some people would think it strange the amount of time and effort I put in to Martial Arts.
They funny thing is I have found a whole group of people that are willing to join me in this pursuit. There are over a hundred students between 2 schools that teach and learn our style. Add to that the 2 associations that i currently participate in and you are talking a fair amount of people who for at least a few years of their life give up other extra-curricular activities in favor of Martial Arts. Martial Arts, one of the slowest progressing activities around. It takes years to learn the basic to intermediate techniques and decades to "master."
If you ask me most Martial artist are a little obsessed. Just to be clear lets talk a little about obsession.
The dictionary defines Obsession as:
Noun
•S: (n) compulsion, obsession (an irrational motive for performing trivial or repetitive actions, even against your will) "her compulsion to wash her hands repeatedly"
•S: (n) obsession, fixation (an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone)
For the purpose of this conversation we will use the second definition:
an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something.
Now in a clinical setting with a patient and a therapist, you could call and obsession "un-heathty." But in the context of Martial arts is could it be healthy? For me the answer is yes in can be.
I don't know about you, but if I can't workout I get cranky. My desire to move and communicate with others is diminished and a whole host of other strange things happen. Unlike some I have a hard time keeping on track with workouts with out a goal. My goal is always to improve my Martial arts. I have changed my diet, and even that of my family. I spend a good portion of each day researching new and better ways to train me and those who look to me for guidance. For me the obsession with martial arts has been a positive vessel of change for over 7 years in my life.
OK I am sure you are still following me, but you might be wondering "what in the world does this have to do with Lent?
Lent, in Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year leading up to Easter. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, alms giving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.
This year for Lent a Friend of my wife challenged her to give something up. How many things am I willing to give up for training? The list goes on and on sugar, bread, sleep, time with my family and more... When was the last time I gave up something for God? When was the last time I was OBSESSED with God? I have give countless hours to train it is high time I start sacrificing to God. You see that's the thing with Lent, what you choose to give up for those 40 days isn't supposed to be easy, it has to be a sacrifice, it has to be hard. Think about the last thing you gave up to reach a goal, was it worth it. How much more effort would you put in to a goal that surpasses this life? It is time for the world to see the difference a person obsessed with God can make. Each of us is that person.
So I challenge you to find something that you can live without but don't want to and sacrifice it to God for the next 40 days. I'll warn you, this is only a first step but it could be very addictive. Not having to be in charge, letting God be in control. Matthew 11:30 "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I mean look at me I started Martial Arts a young guy looking for a place in this world where I fit and people like me, 7 years later I am still as infatuated with martial arts as I was in the beginning. Who knows what we will look like in another 7 years of combining the discipline we learn in Martial Arts with our devotion to God.
Good luck to you over the next 40 days, if it was easy it wouldn 't be worth it
also just so you know I am giving up caffeine. I have been a coke-oholic for at least a decade so no more coke or sweetened tea..... I'll let you know how it goes!
Most of us at one point in time have sacrificed to reach a goal. Most of us understand what it takes to excel, at one point in our lives we will desire something so badly that we will give up other parts of our life in order to accomplish that single goal.
As Sensei Kendall and I were preparing for our 2nd Dan test we talked about the relief we anticipated when the test was over... the relief that our family would feel now that our intense training was over.
You could say that I am obsessed with martial arts. 5-6 days I can be found at a Dojo. At my master instructor's, my professional one, or the one in my basement or someone else's. It consumes the way I act, think and work. It is my only hobby. I even go out of my way to watch others participate in combat arts. Some people would think it strange the amount of time and effort I put in to Martial Arts.
They funny thing is I have found a whole group of people that are willing to join me in this pursuit. There are over a hundred students between 2 schools that teach and learn our style. Add to that the 2 associations that i currently participate in and you are talking a fair amount of people who for at least a few years of their life give up other extra-curricular activities in favor of Martial Arts. Martial Arts, one of the slowest progressing activities around. It takes years to learn the basic to intermediate techniques and decades to "master."
If you ask me most Martial artist are a little obsessed. Just to be clear lets talk a little about obsession.
The dictionary defines Obsession as:
Noun
•S: (n) compulsion, obsession (an irrational motive for performing trivial or repetitive actions, even against your will) "her compulsion to wash her hands repeatedly"
•S: (n) obsession, fixation (an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone)
For the purpose of this conversation we will use the second definition:
an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something.
Now in a clinical setting with a patient and a therapist, you could call and obsession "un-heathty." But in the context of Martial arts is could it be healthy? For me the answer is yes in can be.
I don't know about you, but if I can't workout I get cranky. My desire to move and communicate with others is diminished and a whole host of other strange things happen. Unlike some I have a hard time keeping on track with workouts with out a goal. My goal is always to improve my Martial arts. I have changed my diet, and even that of my family. I spend a good portion of each day researching new and better ways to train me and those who look to me for guidance. For me the obsession with martial arts has been a positive vessel of change for over 7 years in my life.
OK I am sure you are still following me, but you might be wondering "what in the world does this have to do with Lent?
Lent, in Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year leading up to Easter. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, alms giving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.
This year for Lent a Friend of my wife challenged her to give something up. How many things am I willing to give up for training? The list goes on and on sugar, bread, sleep, time with my family and more... When was the last time I gave up something for God? When was the last time I was OBSESSED with God? I have give countless hours to train it is high time I start sacrificing to God. You see that's the thing with Lent, what you choose to give up for those 40 days isn't supposed to be easy, it has to be a sacrifice, it has to be hard. Think about the last thing you gave up to reach a goal, was it worth it. How much more effort would you put in to a goal that surpasses this life? It is time for the world to see the difference a person obsessed with God can make. Each of us is that person.
So I challenge you to find something that you can live without but don't want to and sacrifice it to God for the next 40 days. I'll warn you, this is only a first step but it could be very addictive. Not having to be in charge, letting God be in control. Matthew 11:30 "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I mean look at me I started Martial Arts a young guy looking for a place in this world where I fit and people like me, 7 years later I am still as infatuated with martial arts as I was in the beginning. Who knows what we will look like in another 7 years of combining the discipline we learn in Martial Arts with our devotion to God.
Good luck to you over the next 40 days, if it was easy it wouldn 't be worth it
also just so you know I am giving up caffeine. I have been a coke-oholic for at least a decade so no more coke or sweetened tea..... I'll let you know how it goes!
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